This Ain't Mine...

"I'm triggered" is a statement that is becoming more and more popular in society, but what exactly does it mean? How is it that we all have different triggers? The surface level answer is because we are all different people experiencing different journeys in one lifetime...

Let's go deeper. Have you ever felt like you were dealing with pain, fear, anxiety, pessimism, or addiction that was not "yours"? Like the point of origin is beyond you because you can't pinpoint when it started. There's a word for that...epigenetics. The basic definition is the study of how external forces, such as your environment and life experiences, trigger on-off mechanisms on the genetic switchboard. 

When I first heard of epigenetics, I was instantly intrigued. My family members often tell me stories of how fearless and outspoken I was as a toddler, and I've been wondering how/when did my true self develop a mask? Studying epigenetics has helped me understand how bullying, upbringing, and other parts of my surroundings have increased my tolerance for pain/abuse and affect my behavior.

As of late, I've been studying the trend in my relationships/friendships, and I am drawn to people who are emotionally unavailable and lack boundaries. It is not because I feel that I can "fix them" or be the one exception in their lives. It's because pouring myself into them allows me to take a break from myself...The toxicity in that behavioral pattern is that at the end of each connection, I still have my holes with the addition of their emotional stains. So, my process becomes even more cumbersome because I have to heal from the connection while tilling my soil. Though I am naturally emotionally aware and intense, it has been liberating to finally realize that a lot of this pain and angst I have been carrying is not mine. It is pain, abuse, anxiety, and fear that I've ingested through toxic connections. I do believe that every connection/interaction is a mirror of you, but there is also something to be said about those of us who connect to run away from ourselves. And in honoring my boundaries, I HAVE to spend quality time with myself which LIMITS toxic connections. By learning and unlearning, I am able to sift through encounters and ingest what is for me/spit out what is not mine. There are lessons everywhere, but there is nothing wrong with efficiency and learning by NOT doing. Being active in our processes often means not doing anything at all. I had a bad habit at believing that an increase in my energy meant that I was supposed to do something. Now, I'm entering a space of asking "Why?" in response to every emotion, and letting go of all "things" that were never mine in the first place. 

Our parents' fear is not ours. 

Our ex's emotional/mental abuse is not ours. 

The natural anxiety and rush of the world is not our guide. 

Every political and social happening does not require our emotional participation. 

Do an audit of your "pain and suffering." Write down the things worrying you and keeping you frantic...

Now, how much of it is really yours to bear? How much of it is based on things that have not happened to you, but you've taken on because of others' fear/anxiety? Life is not meant to be spent solving every issue you lay eyes on. That is how you easily ingest pain that is not yours. No one escapes childhood unscathed, and trying to save the world with your judgements and critiques distracts you from wounds that deserve your tender, love, and care. You do more damage to yourself by dedicating your entire existence to "healing the world" and being more committed to others' processes than your own. Half of the bags you're carrying are NOT yours and you don't owe the world your handling. There is no award for who can bear the most pain and emotional wear&tear. Put this "stuff" down. Inspire healing by honoring your own process. Evoke change by living a life of love, compassion, and acceptance of yourself THEN others. Heal from the inside out. 

With love, 

Chasity aka A Natural Beaut


Checkout the articles linked below and the songsperation for this post

Inherited Trauma

Intergenerational Trauma

Epigenetics for Beginners

Epigenetics and Addiction

He Can't Love Me by James Avery

Mirror by Madison Ryann Ward

Off Center by Emily King


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